I have just one question. At what point did it become acceptable for us to idolize wimps and sissies in this great nation? Seriously, have you seen some of the role models we have out there today? Well, this man is sick of it. It's time we remembered what a real man is supposed to be, and called out the sissies of today to shape it up.
John "The Duke" Wayne
Did it get any manlier than John Wayne? Seriously, anyone who says things like "Out here a man settles his own problems" and "Here, due process is a bullet" has got to be one tough son of a bitch. I have it on good authority that John Wayne ate rocks and shit gunpowder. Now, I could have done without his quote about Indians...yeah, that was pretty bad...but still. Look at that face, does that look like the sort of guy you want to screw with. Absolutely not. Sorry to have gotten in your way, Mr. Wayne.
Here's another guy that embodied tough. Charles Bronson, former coal miner and WWII veteran. Perhaps his crowning moment was in arguably the best Western film of all time, The Magnificent Seven. Charles Bronson, dirty, tired and pissed off after fighting banditos all day, just wants a drink and some peace and quiet. The local kids decide to bother him, mistake number one. Mistake number two occured when one of the kids had the gall to call his father a coward. A father that had been fighting alongside Bronson all day. Well, Charles Bronson grabbed the kid over his knee and beat his ass, on camera no less. Did he worry about the A.C.L.U., or bitching parents? Hell no, he did what a man should do, he got the job done.
Peck makes the list for two reasons. The first is being the chairman of the American Cancer Society even though he never had cancer. The second is for looking like he'd stomp you and introduce you to the back of his hand if you even considered looking at him wrong. *Maddox also likes Gregory Peck.
The kind of man you read about in Greek mythology, if he was Greek. What a stare! Plus, he even wrote and sang a song about running moonshine.
Can you really keep a man who jumped a barb wire fence while on a motorcycle off this list? Screw you Nazi's, you aren't taking Steve down that easily! Man, The Great Escape rules. As a nice side bonus, Steve's offspring helped beat up Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid films, which we can all appreciate.
So there you have it, a time when men were men. Today, we're populated by these sorts of pansy asses.
You've got to be kidding me. In his best role, he was saying things like "A red sun rises, blood has been spilled last night." Whatever dipshit. Plus which, he completely wimps out in Troy, going so far as to crawl away from a fight and cling to his older brother's leg to avoid getting killed. You may as well have let the bad guy kill you, you big pussy, because you're living the rest of your life as a WUSS!
Let's get this straight. No man should ever be a spokesman for a major cosmetics company. Ben Affleck, turn your balls in. Even the fact that he's a poker player now won't save him in my eyes. At least Matt Damon turned out alright, 50% isn't too bad.
Does anyone else want to punch this guy on sight? Well, if not, I guess it only takes one. Bide your time Captain, bide your time...
Nevermind, Hugh gets a pass for now. I only want to punch him. Adam Sandler I want to maim with a fork. I hate Adam Sandler so much. I can't even figure out which reason pisses me off most. Is it because he sounds obnoxious, because he's not funny, or because he remade a great movie that starred a real man, Burt Reynolds. Adam Sandler can choke and die, I won't miss his crap.
It's sad but true, we're watching a generation of sissies. Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Elijah Wood...the list is never-ending. This is why a movie like Sin City was so good recently, because it let men be men. Mickey Rourke and Bruce Willis took shit from no one. Hell, Bruce Willis even fed the aforementioned Elijah Wood to a dog. That is indescribeably cool.
But there is hope, dear readers, for there are still men within our midst. Men who can make it through the day without a man purse, or bitching like a douchebag. Here, I present two of our saviors, Russell Crowe and Brad Pitt.
I have every confidence, with their Gladiators and Fight Clubs, their Snatches (shut up) and their Cinderella Men, that these men will continue to shine the way, and lead us to a new generation of masculinity. I pray for their success.
*Honorable Mention Tough Guys
Mel Gibson, Clint Eastwood, James Coburn, Sirs Sean Connery and Anthony Hopkins, Denzel Washington, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Sean Penn, Sly Stallone, Vince Vaughn (only as Double Down Trent), Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Burt Reynolds, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gene Hackman, Jack Nicholson
*Honorable Mention Sissy-Mary's
Elijah Wood, Jude Law, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Tobey MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Jamie Foxx, Anthony Michael-Hall, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Jon Favreau, Robin Williams, William H. Macy
*On the Fence
Edward Norton, John Malkovich, Jeff Bridges, Mark Wahlberg, John Cusack, Val Kilmer, Kevin Spacey, Jim Caviezal, Steve Buscemi
Note: These lists are imcomplete, but where people are placed is indisputable and inarguable. All arguments to the contrary will be ignored. If you have a name that does not appear, you may ask. Do not make an argument for where they will be placed, it has already been determined. Just ask, and I will answer. For example:
Poster: Where is Mark Wahlberg (Let's assume he's not there)
The Captain: Mark Wahlberg is on the fence, because for the most part, he's sucked. Fear sucked, The Italian Job was alright, but more because of other characters. Wahlberg gets upgraded to the fence for a great job in Boogie Nights, and for classic lines like "13 inches is a tough load if I'm not gentle."
That's how the game is played folks, ask away.