Whatever happened to real men?
I have just one question. At what point did it become acceptable for us to idolize wimps and sissies in this great nation? Seriously, have you seen some of the role models we have out there today? Well, this man is sick of it. It's time we remembered what a real man is supposed to be, and called out the sissies of today to shape it up.
John "The Duke" Wayne
Did it get any manlier than John Wayne? Seriously, anyone who says things like "Out here a man settles his own problems" and "Here, due process is a bullet" has got to be one tough son of a bitch. I have it on good authority that John Wayne ate rocks and shit gunpowder. Now, I could have done without his quote about Indians...yeah, that was pretty bad...but still. Look at that face, does that look like the sort of guy you want to screw with. Absolutely not. Sorry to have gotten in your way, Mr. Wayne.
Charles Bronson
Here's another guy that embodied tough. Charles Bronson, former coal miner and WWII veteran. Perhaps his crowning moment was in arguably the best Western film of all time, The Magnificent Seven. Charles Bronson, dirty, tired and pissed off after fighting banditos all day, just wants a drink and some peace and quiet. The local kids decide to bother him, mistake number one. Mistake number two occured when one of the kids had the gall to call his father a coward. A father that had been fighting alongside Bronson all day. Well, Charles Bronson grabbed the kid over his knee and beat his ass, on camera no less. Did he worry about the A.C.L.U., or bitching parents? Hell no, he did what a man should do, he got the job done.
Gregory Peck
Peck makes the list for two reasons. The first is being the chairman of the American Cancer Society even though he never had cancer. The second is for looking like he'd stomp you and introduce you to the back of his hand if you even considered looking at him wrong. *Maddox also likes Gregory Peck.
Robert Mitchum
The kind of man you read about in Greek mythology, if he was Greek. What a stare! Plus, he even wrote and sang a song about running moonshine.
Steve McQueen
Can you really keep a man who jumped a barb wire fence while on a motorcycle off this list? Screw you Nazi's, you aren't taking Steve down that easily! Man, The Great Escape rules. As a nice side bonus, Steve's offspring helped beat up Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid films, which we can all appreciate.
So there you have it, a time when men were men. Today, we're populated by these sorts of pansy asses.
Orlando Bloom
You've got to be kidding me. In his best role, he was saying things like "A red sun rises, blood has been spilled last night." Whatever dipshit. Plus which, he completely wimps out in Troy, going so far as to crawl away from a fight and cling to his older brother's leg to avoid getting killed. You may as well have let the bad guy kill you, you big pussy, because you're living the rest of your life as a WUSS!
Ben Affleck
Let's get this straight. No man should ever be a spokesman for a major cosmetics company. Ben Affleck, turn your balls in. Even the fact that he's a poker player now won't save him in my eyes. At least Matt Damon turned out alright, 50% isn't too bad.
Hugh Grant
Does anyone else want to punch this guy on sight? Well, if not, I guess it only takes one. Bide your time Captain, bide your time...
Adam Sandler
Nevermind, Hugh gets a pass for now. I only want to punch him. Adam Sandler I want to maim with a fork. I hate Adam Sandler so much. I can't even figure out which reason pisses me off most. Is it because he sounds obnoxious, because he's not funny, or because he remade a great movie that starred a real man, Burt Reynolds. Adam Sandler can choke and die, I won't miss his crap.
It's sad but true, we're watching a generation of sissies. Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Elijah Wood...the list is never-ending. This is why a movie like Sin City was so good recently, because it let men be men. Mickey Rourke and Bruce Willis took shit from no one. Hell, Bruce Willis even fed the aforementioned Elijah Wood to a dog. That is indescribeably cool.
But there is hope, dear readers, for there are still men within our midst. Men who can make it through the day without a man purse, or bitching like a douchebag. Here, I present two of our saviors, Russell Crowe and Brad Pitt.
I have every confidence, with their Gladiators and Fight Clubs, their Snatches (shut up) and their Cinderella Men, that these men will continue to shine the way, and lead us to a new generation of masculinity. I pray for their success.
*Honorable Mention Tough Guys
Mel Gibson, Clint Eastwood, James Coburn, Sirs Sean Connery and Anthony Hopkins, Denzel Washington, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Sean Penn, Sly Stallone, Vince Vaughn (only as Double Down Trent), Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Burt Reynolds, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gene Hackman, Jack Nicholson
*Honorable Mention Sissy-Mary's
Elijah Wood, Jude Law, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Tobey MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Jamie Foxx, Anthony Michael-Hall, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Jon Favreau, Robin Williams, William H. Macy
*On the Fence
Edward Norton, John Malkovich, Jeff Bridges, Mark Wahlberg, John Cusack, Val Kilmer, Kevin Spacey, Jim Caviezal, Steve Buscemi
Note: These lists are imcomplete, but where people are placed is indisputable and inarguable. All arguments to the contrary will be ignored. If you have a name that does not appear, you may ask. Do not make an argument for where they will be placed, it has already been determined. Just ask, and I will answer. For example:
Poster: Where is Mark Wahlberg (Let's assume he's not there)
The Captain: Mark Wahlberg is on the fence, because for the most part, he's sucked. Fear sucked, The Italian Job was alright, but more because of other characters. Wahlberg gets upgraded to the fence for a great job in Boogie Nights, and for classic lines like "13 inches is a tough load if I'm not gentle."
That's how the game is played folks, ask away.
John "The Duke" Wayne
Did it get any manlier than John Wayne? Seriously, anyone who says things like "Out here a man settles his own problems" and "Here, due process is a bullet" has got to be one tough son of a bitch. I have it on good authority that John Wayne ate rocks and shit gunpowder. Now, I could have done without his quote about Indians...yeah, that was pretty bad...but still. Look at that face, does that look like the sort of guy you want to screw with. Absolutely not. Sorry to have gotten in your way, Mr. Wayne.
Charles Bronson
Here's another guy that embodied tough. Charles Bronson, former coal miner and WWII veteran. Perhaps his crowning moment was in arguably the best Western film of all time, The Magnificent Seven. Charles Bronson, dirty, tired and pissed off after fighting banditos all day, just wants a drink and some peace and quiet. The local kids decide to bother him, mistake number one. Mistake number two occured when one of the kids had the gall to call his father a coward. A father that had been fighting alongside Bronson all day. Well, Charles Bronson grabbed the kid over his knee and beat his ass, on camera no less. Did he worry about the A.C.L.U., or bitching parents? Hell no, he did what a man should do, he got the job done.
Gregory Peck
Peck makes the list for two reasons. The first is being the chairman of the American Cancer Society even though he never had cancer. The second is for looking like he'd stomp you and introduce you to the back of his hand if you even considered looking at him wrong. *Maddox also likes Gregory Peck.
Robert Mitchum
The kind of man you read about in Greek mythology, if he was Greek. What a stare! Plus, he even wrote and sang a song about running moonshine.
Steve McQueen
Can you really keep a man who jumped a barb wire fence while on a motorcycle off this list? Screw you Nazi's, you aren't taking Steve down that easily! Man, The Great Escape rules. As a nice side bonus, Steve's offspring helped beat up Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid films, which we can all appreciate.
So there you have it, a time when men were men. Today, we're populated by these sorts of pansy asses.
Orlando Bloom
You've got to be kidding me. In his best role, he was saying things like "A red sun rises, blood has been spilled last night." Whatever dipshit. Plus which, he completely wimps out in Troy, going so far as to crawl away from a fight and cling to his older brother's leg to avoid getting killed. You may as well have let the bad guy kill you, you big pussy, because you're living the rest of your life as a WUSS!
Ben Affleck
Let's get this straight. No man should ever be a spokesman for a major cosmetics company. Ben Affleck, turn your balls in. Even the fact that he's a poker player now won't save him in my eyes. At least Matt Damon turned out alright, 50% isn't too bad.
Hugh Grant
Does anyone else want to punch this guy on sight? Well, if not, I guess it only takes one. Bide your time Captain, bide your time...
Adam Sandler
Nevermind, Hugh gets a pass for now. I only want to punch him. Adam Sandler I want to maim with a fork. I hate Adam Sandler so much. I can't even figure out which reason pisses me off most. Is it because he sounds obnoxious, because he's not funny, or because he remade a great movie that starred a real man, Burt Reynolds. Adam Sandler can choke and die, I won't miss his crap.
It's sad but true, we're watching a generation of sissies. Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, Elijah Wood...the list is never-ending. This is why a movie like Sin City was so good recently, because it let men be men. Mickey Rourke and Bruce Willis took shit from no one. Hell, Bruce Willis even fed the aforementioned Elijah Wood to a dog. That is indescribeably cool.
But there is hope, dear readers, for there are still men within our midst. Men who can make it through the day without a man purse, or bitching like a douchebag. Here, I present two of our saviors, Russell Crowe and Brad Pitt.
I have every confidence, with their Gladiators and Fight Clubs, their Snatches (shut up) and their Cinderella Men, that these men will continue to shine the way, and lead us to a new generation of masculinity. I pray for their success.
*Honorable Mention Tough Guys
Mel Gibson, Clint Eastwood, James Coburn, Sirs Sean Connery and Anthony Hopkins, Denzel Washington, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Sean Penn, Sly Stallone, Vince Vaughn (only as Double Down Trent), Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Burt Reynolds, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gene Hackman, Jack Nicholson
*Honorable Mention Sissy-Mary's
Elijah Wood, Jude Law, Colin Farrell, Tom Cruise, Tobey MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Jamie Foxx, Anthony Michael-Hall, Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Jon Favreau, Robin Williams, William H. Macy
*On the Fence
Edward Norton, John Malkovich, Jeff Bridges, Mark Wahlberg, John Cusack, Val Kilmer, Kevin Spacey, Jim Caviezal, Steve Buscemi
Note: These lists are imcomplete, but where people are placed is indisputable and inarguable. All arguments to the contrary will be ignored. If you have a name that does not appear, you may ask. Do not make an argument for where they will be placed, it has already been determined. Just ask, and I will answer. For example:
Poster: Where is Mark Wahlberg (Let's assume he's not there)
The Captain: Mark Wahlberg is on the fence, because for the most part, he's sucked. Fear sucked, The Italian Job was alright, but more because of other characters. Wahlberg gets upgraded to the fence for a great job in Boogie Nights, and for classic lines like "13 inches is a tough load if I'm not gentle."
That's how the game is played folks, ask away.
posted by The Captain at 11:01 PM
20 Comments:
Captain, doll. I am going to send you an editorial response piece I wrote about Ben Affleck vs. Vin Disel from college, back when Affleck was named sexiest man alive by People or something. It totally goes along with your topic...however I make the point that Affleck could still have his way...ANYWAY! Heart John Wayne...save a horse ride a cowboy!
PIP, send away, DCsportsguys@yahoo.com. I'm not sure who I'm hoping you were for/against, I don't really like Vin Diesel much.
John Wayne rules, but if you could do me the tiniest favor, please don't use Big and Rich lyrics here. B&R isn't welcome here :)
well for my taste, nor is country music in general.
But I know how much you guys like COWBOYS ;)
Smooches
oh PIP.. that is the way out of a man's heart.
Looks like you and I can never be married either...two strikes on the DC Sports boys. TRAGIC ;)
Smooches
might I ask why the Cowboys affinity?
Seriously, get a marriage counselor you two. This is not a place for your domestic strife. PIP, if I-66 has two strikes on him, that's fine, but don't you go dragging me into it. I won't be a part of any of these reindeer games.
This was supposed to be a discussion of the real men or yesteryear, the sissies of today, and those of us trying to carry the torch. Try to stay on topic.
Daniel Day-Lewis??? He's the biggest Nancy of them all.
You are putting too many restrictions on my comments Captain! I promise to stay on topic from now on. Really. And I won't bring my reindeer games here.
On Cowboy affinity...I grew up in a home where you loved the Boys or you were homeless. I've been to inductions at the Football Hall of Fame more times than I can remember...Heart Coach Landry!
I'm not restricting anything PIP. I mean hell, if my biggest problem is arguing with a Cowboys fan, I'll consider myself lucky. At least we aren't getting blog spam, or anonymous idiots. Not yet anyway.
No, I'm merely helping you along, we treat our commenters with respect here. B&R, Cowboys, these are all trouble sports, landmines.
You may write whatever you wish. Once your grace period is up, I'll open up the verbal whup-ass, just for you :)
Unique, first off, thanks for posting on topic. Now then, allow me to tell you why you are wrong.
Daniel Day-Lewis may be one of the best actors we never saw enough of, because he is so picky about what roles to take. Not to mention, he is incredibly well-rounded, even doing a turn as Hamlet on the stage. I believe this may have even been in D.C.'s National Theater.
Regardless, Day-Lewis's first big role was My Left Foot, which he did very well in. Last of the Mohicans was great, and he was a badass in that film. Age of Innocence I didn't like as much, but he followed that up with a murderer's row of films, "In the Name of the Father, The Crucible, and The Boxer, all of which he was fantastic in. Then he does Gangs of New York with Scorcese, plays an awesome Bill the Butcher, and cements his legacy. Daniel Day-Lewis makes the Real Man list easily.
This is a ripoff of Maddox, you unoriginal fuck. http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=real_men
His site is bigger than Pepsi on the internet. What made you think you could get away with it?
Interesting argument Anon, interesting but wrong.
I am a reader of Maddox as well, and I respect his writing.
In fact, I re-read his post before putting mine up to make sure I didn't plagiarize him. You will notice the only things we have in common are the posting of Gregory Peck (who is an actor I have long admired) and the mention of Ben Affleck being a cosmetics spokesman. (information that can easily be found on the Internet)
You will also notice that his post extends to Non-Hollywood people. He is addressing men as badasses in general, I am sticking to Hollywood, because I dislike the way Adam Sandler, Orlando Bloom are so revered. I would prefer actors to be more in the John Wayne mold.
I'm afraid you'll have to cry rip-off elsewhere, there's none here. Merely inspiration, which is a form of flattery.
As long as you want to throw it around, I'll use your logic to call you out for saying his page is "bigger than Pepsi on the Internet." That's another phrase he came up with, so aren't you also ripping him off, using your logic?
Having an idea doesn't mean others can't write about the same thing. You'll learn that soon, and maybe you'll also grow a pair and put your name on your comments.
As a tribute to my idiot anonymous friend, there is now an asterisk noting that "Maddox also likes Gregory Peck." Lord knows only one person at a time is allowed to appreciate someone.
I don't have a blogger account, which is why I'm anonymous. I found this page by typing the phrase, "the kind of man you read about in the bible" into a search engine, since I wanted to see if maddox made it up. You used this phrase in the very post in question, but to describe another guy. But I'm not calling BS on your blog entry because you also wrote a tribute to real men. It's because of this, "The first is being the chairman of the American Cancer Society even though he never had cancer. The second is for looking like he'd stomp you and introduce you to the back of his hand if you even considered looking at him wrong."
Maddox wrote the same thing. All you did was water it down by saying, "back of his hand" instead of, "business end of his shoe."
Again, I understand your point, but I still feel like you're attacking common knowledge. Remember, I'm a huge fan of Gregory Peck, and it's well known he was chairman of the American Cancer Society. I also know he dies of natural causes, he was 85. Maddox writing it first doesn't make it something I didn't already know.
Additionally, "introduce to the back of my hand" is a phrase my friends and I use, which is where I got it from. Kind of an inside thing for us.
Now the bible thing you are right about. I daresay I read and study the Bible more than Maddox, but that phrase I did get from him. Here are some other popular phrases.
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
"Then I'll see you in hell!"
"Out, out damn spot!"
My point is this. How often do you hear someone say one of these and then immediately mention Clark Gable, Harrison Ford, or William Shakespeare? They don't, because phrases aren't intellectual property. That being said, I enjoyed Maddox's post, but I think you'll find that phrase has been used before him.
Again, I respect your point, and again, I did get some inspiration from Maddox, but I did not rip him off. Other people have access to the knowledge he does.
However, thanks for reading the blog. You're providing an opportunity for good dialogue.
Do you prefer Greek Mythology?
Well it's common knowledge to someone who knows what sites to visit when they're bored, but not to most people. I think it's fine to write in somebody elses voice/style, as long as it's blatantly obvious, like with "friends of maddox." I wrote a Maddox-esque entry in my journal, but about a subject he never touched on.
Greek mythology, I know nothing about. I'm not a humanities major.
I am interested in your blogs.
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