Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Man, The Myth, The Kickoff

It’s NFL Kickoff 2005 and we’re back for more punishment. Over the years yours truly has successfully picked the ’98 Rams, ’99 Falcons, and ’00 Ravens to make the Super Bowl. Near misses include the ’98 Jaguars (losing to Tennessee in the AFC title game). It’s about time I got another one right so it’s Carolina and Indy this year. For those who are unaware (99% of you), Norman Chad (yes, he did things before poker) once wrote a column like this, under the pseudonym of “The Man” that appeared in the Washington Post, emphasizing that the picks against the spread were for recreational purposes only (in part because the game-related notes were mostly fictional). I began writing something similar in an effort to best “The Man” under the pseudonym of “The Myth” and a tradition was born – only it isn’t often that I successfully write each and every week over the course of the year. This is me now trying to be consistent.

Week 1:

Raiders at Patriots (-7½)
In a matter of a month or two, Jiffy Lubes will begin offering specials on “Patriots Bandwagon repair.” Available in any city in which a bandwagon resides – so basically nationwide… Pick: Raiders

Bengals (-3½) at Browns
Evidently “soldiers” don’t know how to ride motorcycles… Pick: Bengals

Jets at Chiefs (-3)
At least when this Priest scores on Sundays, young boys are not involved… Pick: Chiefs

Broncos (-5) at Dolphins
During training camp, Dolphins coach Nick Saban considered having LSU fly down to Miami and scrimmage the Dolphins. He thought better of it when he realized the certain loss to the Tigers would surely deal a blow to Dolphins team morale… Pick: Broncos

Buccaneers at Vikings (-6)
After Brian Griese tripped and fell on a driveway and was pushed down the stairs by his dog, Jon Gruden would not name Griese his starting quarterback unless Griese’s home was baby-proofed… Pick: Vikings

Titans at Steelers (-7)
With the current WR corps in place in Tennessee, opposing defenses now abandoning Cover Two defense in favor of Cover Drew… Pick: Steelers

Bears at Redskins (-6)
In order to best emulate the Chicago Bears receivers, Redskins practice squad players were brought in to run routes against Skins DB's in practice with their hands tied behind their backs… Pick: Redskins

Saints at Panthers (-7)
… …Pick: Panthers

Seahawks at Jaguars (-3)
Koren Robinson: Addition by subtraction… Pick: Jaguars

Rams (-6) at 49ers
Alex Smith: Subtraction by addition… Pick: Rams

Cardinals at Giants (-2½)
The only explanation for Plaxico Burress voluntarily going to New York is that he has never seen Eli Manning play… Pick: Cardinals

Packers at Lions (-3)
Sometimes even the greats hold on a little too tight for a little too long… Pick: Lions

Cowboys at Chargers (-4½)
It seems that 5 years ago, when Drew Bledsoe was told to “stand still” for his team picture, nobody told him it was ok to move again… Pick: Chargers

Colts (-3) at Ravens
Has anyone stopped to ask Kyle Boller if he actually knows what to do after he gets the snap?… Pick: Colts

Eagles (-1½) at Falcons
Attention NFL telecast talking heads: The pilot has turned off the “Michael Vick’s jock in your mouth” sign. You are free to remove it anytime… Pick: Eagles

Last Week: 0-0
Season: 0-0


Blogger The Senator said...

Two sports columnists for the Express today made playoff picks.

One calls for Green Bay.

The other says Lions.

What do you guys think? (You know my love of Detroit sports, so please be gentle.)

Thanks, gentlemen..

Thu Sep 08, 04:08:00 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

The Lions have a better chance to make the playoffs than Green Bay. The Packers defense is atrocious, and they haven't got the same offensive line that they used to.

That said, I'm not ready to say they'll make the playoffs definitely. With Jeff Garcia out for a while, Joey Harrington may not necessarily have to keep looking over his shoulder, but he's going to have to show up big time.

Thu Sep 08, 04:35:00 PM  
Blogger The Captain said...

Senator, was that their pick for the NFC North, or for the NFC Super Bowl Team? I'm going to assume NFC North. The guy who picked the Packers is insane, they're going to be terrible.

The Lions is a better pick. I think that division is the Vikings' to lose, but Detroit could snag a wild card. Those receivers are scary. If I were you, I'd be praying Harrington gets his act together this season.

Thu Sep 08, 05:14:00 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

the senator did say "playoff picks" up there.

Thu Sep 08, 05:17:00 PM  
Blogger The Captain said...

Now now I-66, no need to be snide. When I see "playoff picks" I assume there will be numerous teams listed, not one. There was doubt there, I was simply clarifying. My assessment is unchanged.

And besides, I don't have to take crap from a weasel whose "myth-like" prognostication ability allowed him to select a "national champion" that lost their first game of the season.

Thu Sep 08, 05:53:00 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

hffOh of course, simple factual statement is snide. Especially with all the voice inflection I used in it.

And besides, The Myth only makes his appearances for the NFL. That not withstanding, do you mean to tell me that it would be impossible for a team to make the national title game after losing early in the season? While it's highly unlikely with this Oklahoma team, and I've declared them buried, it's not as though it couldn't still happen.

Thu Sep 08, 06:18:00 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

For some reason I've always pulled for the Lions to have some success. I always liked Barry Sanders and felt bad he played on such crappy teams.

That said, it seems the general consensus is Joey Harrington will never be a great qb, and I don't think Detroit has the "D" yet to step it up to the next level.

Thu Sep 08, 06:56:00 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

I agree with you on the Raiders. As for other games, I may have to do my own list and challenge you to a season-long pick 'em battle, as you opinions about some of the NFC teams (excluding my Vikings) are clearly crack-induced.

Thu Sep 08, 09:03:00 PM  
Blogger DCSportsChick said...

I loved the comment re: Eagles-Falcons...

Thu Sep 08, 09:13:00 PM  

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