Who here believes it's not his?

Do old habits die hard?

Week 12: The Rest of The Slate

So it's Midnight Sunday and I've realized I haven't picked the rest of the games. Uh... good job, me. So, because I'm tired and shit, picks without the fluff...

Week 12:

Patriots at Chiefs (-3) - Pick: Patriots

49ers at Titans (-8) - Pick: Titans

Browns at Vikings (-4) - Pick: Vikings

Bears at Buccaneers (-3) - Pick: Bears

Chargers (-3) at Redskins - Pick: Redskins

Rams (-4) at Texans - Pick: Rams

Panthers (-4) at Bills - Pick: Panthers

Ravens at Bengals (-9) - Pick: Bengals

Dolphins at Raiders (-7) - Pick: Raiders

Jaguars (-4) at Cardinals - Pick: Jaguars

Giants at Seahawks (-5) - Pick: Giants

Packers at Eagles (-4) - Pick: Eagles

Saints (-2) at Jets - Pick: Saints

Steelers at Colts (-8) - Pick: Steelers

Thanksgiving: 2-0
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 72-85-4

I've decided I really hate art...

Yeah, the title of the post says it all, but man do I really hate art. This was brought on last week, while I was over in lovely Falls Church having Microsoft Exchange drilled into my unblinking eyes. We wound up at a nice Thai restaurant for lunch one day, and I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom following our meal.

Let me explain that the bathroom can be a sanctuary, which need not be disturbed by outside influences. I wasn't so lucky today...hanging over my urinal was a painting which could generously be described as an assault on my corneas. It appeared to me that this was painted by a retarded monkey holding a paintbrush, after a seizure had been induced. For those who wonder, random triangles and color swirls do not make art.

You know who the perpetrators of this are, right? It's those people who walk around pretentiously, acting like they see more in these paintings than the normal person, ACTING LIKE THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!! (These are the same people who will argue that "Amelie," a ridiculously bad foreign french film, was one of the best movies ever made. In point of fact, the opening and closing credits were slices of bread, because Amelie was a shit sandwich.) Pretending like there's something mysterious in Salvadro Dali paintings because there are melting clocks. Let me tell you something...unless you're Salvador Dali, you don't know what the hell he was thinking, and it's probably better that way, because the only thing I can interpret from his art is that he was insane.

Seriously, look at this ridiculous thing...

This one is called "The Artist." I found it on the Internet, and can only assume it's a self-portrait. Don't quit your day job buddy.

And it doesn't stop there. I hate all types of art. For example:


I hate Art Carney, because he wasted our time while Jackie Gleason made us laugh. Piss off, Art!


I hate Art Garfunkel, for being perhaps one of the biggest leeches off a more talented counterpart in the history of music, ever. The only one I can think of that was worse, off the top of my head, was Richard "Ringo Starr" Starkey. You'll never be Paul Simon, but you should spend all your days thanking God you met him, because he carried you, Garfunkel. P.S., your last name sucks.



I hate Art Alexakis, because Everclear had so much promise and then decided to quit trying. Otherwise, I actually like this guy. Hell, I even met him when they had sunk to playing at my alma mater's Spring Weekend Festival. How the mighty have fallen.

Make art what it's supposed to be, something intelligible, and help me start the revolution that will force EMO dorks to go get real jobs and stop being pretentious snobs.

Thanksgiving Football

So I'm sitting at work thinking about how great it will be to get out early... and how great it will be to see football on Thanksgiving... and I realize that I need to make picks before the games. I'm not gonna write out the whole thing, but I will give you tomorrow's games now so I don't miss them:

Falcons (-3) at Lions
So much for that Joey Harrington resurgence... Pick: Falcons

Broncos (-2) at Cowboys
I could be misinterpreting things, but I'm pretty sure Jake Plummer has been deemed The Greatest Quarterback Of All Time by the sports media... Pick: Broncos

Week 11: T Over?

There is no joy in Philly these days. After the exit of Terrell Owens, everyone was cheery and joyful. Donovan McNabb said they were better off without him. Even Randy Moss doesn’t seem to welcome the idea of Owens as a teammate. Loss to Washington. Loss to Dallas. Injury to McNabb… and now Eagles are saying that they’d welcome Owens back? Laughable.

Week 11:

Cardinals at Rams (-10)
I don’t wanna play. I just wanna bang on that drum all day… Pick: Rams

Saints at Patriots (-10)
In a matter of weeks, Troy Brown will be listed as starter for every defensive position… Pick: Patriots

Eagles at Giants (no line)
Lack of line makes this one a lot easier to pick… Pick: Giants

Raiders at Redskins (-6)
What does Randy Moss’s answer on his opinion of Norv Turner tell you about the state of things in Oakland?... Pick: Redskins

Steelers at Ravens (no line)
Tommy Maddox! Kyle Boller! NFL Football on CBS!... Pick: Steelers

Buccaneers at Falcons (-6)
If Michael Vick manages to make it the whole game fumbling only twice, will he stand in front of the media and say “As long as I fumble less than 3 times in one game, don’t criticize me”?... Pick: Buccaneeers

Panthers (-3) at Bears
Wind or no wind, putting up that few points against San Fran isn’t going to get it done against Carolina… Pick: Panthers

Dolphins at Browns (-2)
WE WANT SAGE! WE WANT SAGE!... Pick: Dolphins

Lions at Cowboys (-8)
Joey Harrington: Taking it 1 win at a time, 5 weeks at a time… Pick: Cowboys

Jaguars (-4) at Titans
It was only a matter of time before Fred Taylor turned back into his old self… Pick: Jaguars

Seahawks (-12) at 49ers
One thing I do agree with Michael Irvin on, GIVE THAT MAN HIS MONEY!... Pick: Seahawks

Jets at Broncos (-13)
Broncos may score that many on turnover returns for TD… Pick: Broncos

Colts (-6) at Bengals
They just GOT the torch. You think they’re going to pass it?... Pick: Colts

Bills at Chargers (-10)
JP Losman: 7 of 24 for 137 and 1 INT or your money back… Pick: Chargers

Chiefs (-6) at Texans
Larry Johnson’s about to give you 150 reasons why the Cheifs should win this one comfortably… Pick: Chiefs

Vikings at Packers (-4)
Swiss cheese may not go on a brat, but it sure seems to find a home in the Packers defense… Pick: Vikings

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 64-77-4

Shhhhh...

Reasons why I rule

Actually, just one. I don't have any actual money in my bank account currently, but that didn't stop me from gambling online with what little money I had in my poker account. Let me lay it out for you.

$1 buy in
1,971 players
No Limit Hold Em Poker Tournament
I finished 18th

Now then, 18/1971 is .00913. I kicked the ass of 99.99087 % of all players in that Pokerstars tournament. I will now step back and allow all of you to bask in my greatness.

Week 10: Must be butta...

This has been a feel-good week for yours truly: Redskins win (meaning an Eagles loss), Indy dominating New England, Terrell Owens essentially phased out in Philly, then making a pair of awful apologies, and me finally having a solid week – 10-4. I might be on a roll…

Week 10:

Patriots (-3) at Dolphins
I can see the progression now… Colts win at Foxboro, Pats fans say: “it doesn’t matter unless they do it in the playoffs”, if that happens it’s “it doesn’t matter unless they win the Super Bowl”, and if that happens it’s “it doesn’t matter unless they repeat.” Shut up (especially Bill Simmons). You. Got. Whipped… Pick: Patriots

Vikings at Giants (-10)
Nice gesture, Nate Burleson… Pick: Vikings

Ravens at Jaguars (-6)
You know it’s bad when people are actually wishing for Kyle Boller’s return… Pick: Jaguars

Chiefs at Bills (-2)
No Priest? No problem!... Pick: Chiefs

49ers at Bears (-13)
I can’t do it, not with 13 points… Pick: 49ers

Cardinals at Lions (-4)
PLAY JOSH MCCOWN!... Pick: Cardinals

Texans at Colts (-18)
Hunter Smith: Most Bored Player in the NFL… Pick: Colts

Broncos (-3) at Raiders
It’s only a matter of time before ‘The Snake’ sheds his conservative skin… Pick: Broncos

Jets at Panthers (-9)
You’d like me to make a Panthers cheerleaders joke here, wouldn’t you?... Pick: Panthers

Rams at Seahawks (-6)
Nowadays, when Mike Martz watches Rams games and has an idea for a play to call, he leaves himself a voicemail… Pick: Rams

Redskins at Buccaneers (no line)
Chris Simms is the currently Bucs’ starting quarterback. No, I’m serious… Pick: Redskins

Packers at Falcons (-9)
Samkon Gado is currently the Packers starting running back. No, I’m serious… Pick: Falcons

Browns at Steelers (-8)
Charlie Batch is currently the Steelers st… Oh forget it… Pick: Steelers

Cowboys at Eagles (-2)
I hate rooting for Philly… Pick: Eagles

Last Week: 10-4
Season: 57-70-4

I'm sorry you suspended me

What an absolute sham.

Yesterday, Terrell Owens stood outside of his house and read an apology that was aimed at both the Eagles organization and specific personnel, such as Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid. Given that Terrell Owens doesn’t appear to have a contrite bone in his body, there never was any doubt in my mind that someone else wrote that apology for him. And to further prove that he, indeed, was sorry for what he’s done, Owens gave way to Drew Rosenhaus to answer (or in this case not answer) questions directed at Owens. If the question asked had anything to do with how stupid Owens is, or how dumb he is, or how much of an idiot he is – wait, are those all the same? – Rosenhaus met it with “next question” and moved on. The best question asked of Rosenhaus was as to what he’d done for Owens besides get him suspended – of course, it was answered with “next question”.

Now that Owens’s nonsense insincere apology is out of the way, we can move forward with the subsequent rejection of said apology by the Eagles and the phasing out of Owens and perhaps his eventual release. While I know some team is going to give him another chance – despite the fact that he should have run out of them by now – I wish the only place he’d be able to play was in the Arena League. As it stands, he’ll probably end up in Oakland or something… or, if the Eagles really want to put one over on him, they should trade him back to San Francisco for a sack of potatoes, a mop, 2 goldfish, and a dollar in pennies.

News/Views

NEWS: Michael Vick says he’s proven that he can throw the football from the pocket. He says don’t criticize him anymore.

VIEWS: Oh boo hoo. There’s a saying that’s about the sun and some part of a dog… You have 1 good day where you complete 22 of 31 for 228 and 1 TD and suddenly you’re beyond criticism? Perhaps if you were close to 60% or not showing an actual regression in accuracy from last year – oh and don’t forget that herpes thing. Yeah. Don’t criticize me. Nevermind that it’s the media’s job to view and analyze – and yes, Mike, that does include criticism. You got an issue? Here’s a tissue.

NEWS: T.O. has B.O.

VIEWS: Or maybe not, since it’s not as though he worked up a sweat Sunday night. More money this, Donovan McNabb that. Brett Favre here and fight with Hugh Douglas there. Here’s the deal: you don’t know how good you had it in Philly. Returning NFC Champion, rising iconic status for Super Bowl heroics, high-level NFL QB and a front office able to keep a winning team together. And you’ve blown it. It’s just a shame that some other NFL team will probably give him another chance.

NEWS: The Wizards are 3-0.

VIEWS: Shhhh…

NEWS: The Capitals are second bottom in the Eastern Conference.

VIEWS: The Wizards are 3-0.

NEWS: Carolina Panthers cheerleaders… bathroom… kissing, licking, fighting, leaving (in cuffs)…

VIEWS: I-66… cubicle… reading, checking cheerleader’s pictures, envisioning…

NEWS: Michael Irvin bobbed and weaved like he was auditioning to be in Dodgeball 2: Crackheaded Cowboys on ESPN on Sunday when Steve Young asked him no fewer than 10 times if he thought Terrell Owens should apologize.

VIEWS: Michael Irvin is buddy-buddy with Owens, obviously. This is a situation where he didn’t want to jeopardize whatever you call it (friendship?) with Owens by saying he thinks Owens should apologize, but didn’t want to look like a nimrod by saying he thinks Owens shouldn’t apologize. Instead, Irvin came off looking like a total jackass, as Chris Berman and Young both repeatedly asked the same question “Do you think he should apologize?” and Irvin kept trying to go another direction, before Young finally rolled his eyes and looked away from Irvin, resigned to talking about something else. Nice move, Michael. Classy.

NEWS: Puke is #1 in the preseason college basketball polls.

VIEWS: Until they lose to Virginia Tech or someone else they have no business losing to. Hey, that Blue Devils program sure churns out a bunch of top notch pro ball players doesn’t it?

Settle our argument

Though I-66 and myself get along pretty famously, we do occasionally have disagreements, the likes of which need to be brought to the attention of the masses, so that a decision might be reached. It just so happend we have a long running argument which can be solved by you good people, if you'll be so kind. I'm sure after reading this, you'll all see the light and vote for I-66. So without further ado...

Who is the bigger metrosexual, I-66 or The Captain?

Since neither of us consider ourselves to be such, and because we both reject the idea of metrosexualality (is this a word?) as a passing fad, it stands to reason we can accuse each other of this crime. Not that being a metrosexual is a crime, persay, we both just feel that a man's time can be spent on other pursuits, such as wrestling the dog, screaming angrily at bushes, and running over squirrels with a riding lawnmower. However, there are a few cracks in the armor, it's just a question of who's are worse.

Reasons why I-66 is a bigger metrosexual that The Captain:
1. Due to a youth spent in the clothing business (Kathy Lee was not involved), I-66 has a wardrobe that would make any metrosexual proud. And it's worth mentioning the color coordinating obsession.
2. I-66 uses body soap and a man sponge. Get a loofah and be done with it, wuss.
3. I-66 has this thing about using massive amounts of hand lotion. Soft and metrosexual-like.
4. I-66 doesn't like to drink beer or other manly drinks like straight tequila. He's more of a girl drink type of guy.
5. I-66, unless it's soccer related, doesn't like the outdoors very much, and detests rain and all other inclement weather.
6. Though he might use an excuse of "not much body hair," I have a sneaking suspicion there's a wax job involved. This can't be proven, however. Just thought the jury should know.

Now, I could wait for I-66 to edit the end of this post and offer his rebuttal, but I'll just do it for him because I know what he'll say. Reasons The Captain is a bigger metrosexual than I-66:

1. The Captain uses hair conditioner.
2. The Captain uses face wash.
3. The Captain shaves in the shower. (I would note that this is only part of the time, and I'm confused as to why this is considered metrosexual, but it's an argument he uses)
4. The Captain uses three types of mouthwash.
5. The Captain works out obsessively, while I-66 manages to look good naturally.
6. The Captain eats vegetables and the like, while I-66 can live off a manly diet of Hot Pockets and microwave pizzas, and still look good.
7. While I-66 has a large, manly Black Lab, The Captain will soon be getting a puppy which will never get any larger than 20-25 pounds. The Captain is a small dog guy. (It's going to be a pug, for those interested)


Then I use a honey-almond mask with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries the skin...


So anyway, those are the basic arguments. I personally think I-66 wins this one (i.e., more people think he's worse) by a landslide, but I'll leave the final decision up to you, our readers. My vote goes for him, of course, making it 1-0. I assume he'll vote for me to tie it up. We need at least 9 more votes to make this an officially settled argument.

Blue team dominating

I imagine the sound will be deafening.

“Let’s see them do that in January”

“They wouldn’t have beaten us without all of our injuries”

Boston columnist morons will spew that it means nothing until the Colts beat the Patriots in the playoffs. This game doesn’t mean as much because of the injuries, they’ll say. Don’t get it twisted. Last night, the Indianapolis Colts put a sound whuppin on the New England Patriots and sent them to bed. What happened to your hero Tedy Bruschi? I don’t think I heard Al Michaels and John Madden mention his name once last night. Here’s the deal: The Patriots were just dominated.

The Patriots as a team had 34 rushing yards total. Peyton Manning had 24 himself.

Indianapolis did not punt until the 4th quarter with less than 90 seconds left on the clock.

New England did not sack Peyton Manning once.

Indy: 75 plays, 36:41 possession / New England: 56 plays, 23:19

After Indy quickly went down the field to grab a 7-0 lead, New England was faced with a 4th and short and decided to try to make a statement and go for it – they converted via a Brady pass. On the Colts next drive, they were faced with a 4th and short, and they answered with an Edgerrin James run. Statement countered.

Down by 2 scores in the 3rd, the normally conservative Bill Belichick resorted to an onside kick to try to catch the Colts off guard. Indy recovered. I turned to Deep Cover and said “desperate move.”

So now what? Indianapolis is 8-0. New England is 4-4. I remarked last night that, should the Colts win, I hoped that Bostonians would “cry in their chowder.” The Colts are 2 games clear of anyone else in the AFC and are definitely in the driver’s seat in terms of home field advantage. The Pats, at 4-4, still lead the weak AFC East by a full game. If they were in any other AFC division they’d be no better than 3rd, but they’re currently the best bet to win their division and host a home playoff game. “It doesn’t matter if they can’t do it in January”? Not only is that a metric shitload of idiocy, consider this: The Patriots may not make it far enough to even play the Colts. And even then, it probably will be in Indy.

photo via espn.com

E-A-G-L-E-S LOSERS

and that's all I have to say about that...

photo via espn.com

Week 9: 66 Reasons Not To Go To Vegas

Hands down, this is unequivocally the worst season I’ve ever had. It’s a good thing I don’t plan on going to Vegas before the end of the season. I mean, with my luck I’d pick the Browns, getting points on the road, against the only winless team in the league, and have them lose.

Oh wait…

Week 9:

Falcons (-2) at Dolphins
This is the only time I’ll take herpes over hitting a wall with my head… Pick: Falcons

Lions (-2) at Vikings
So THAT’S where Brad Johnson’s been hiding… Pick: Vikings

Chargers (-6) at Jets
I dunno. This Bollinger kid’s looking better and better… Pick: Chargers

Texans at Jaguars (-13)
There’s no place like home, Houston… Pick: Jaguars

Bengals (-3) at Ravens
Scary defense? Nevermore… Pick: Bengals

Titans at Browns (-2)
Whose performance was worse last week?... Pick: Browns

Panthers (-2) at Buccaneers
Tim Rattay: getting closer and closer to starting with each passing week… Pick: Panthers

Raiders at Chiefs (-5)
So maybe Brandi Chastain’s just been running around in Randy Moss’s jersey all season… Pick: Chiefs

Bears (-3) v. Saints
Stop me if I start to care… Pick: Bears

Seahawks (-4) at Cardinals
Whatever happened to all those Cardinals-as-sleepers analysts?... Pick: Seahawks

Giants (-11) at 49ers
Did anyone else know that Eli Manning’s completion percentage (51.1) was actually lower than Michael Vick’s (52.4)? In case you’re wondering, that says more about Eli Manning than it does about Michael Vick… Pick: Giants

Steelers (-6) at Packers
When Mike Sherman’s cooking Thanksgiving dinner with his wife and her phone rings, he walks out of the kitchen in a huff and cancels Christmas… Pick: Steelers – and yes, I realize Charlie Batch is starting.

Eagles at Redskins (-3)
I don’t like this line. Nick Novak/John Hall wins it. Or Jose Cortez loses it… Pick: Eagles

Colts (-4) at Patriots
What will they have to say on Tuesday?... Pick: Colts

Last Week: 4-10
Season: 47-66-4

Shhh...

Are You Ready?

Soccer season is ending on Sunday night. It’s always a sad day for me – the final game of the season. The game always seems a little more fun for both teams. People tend to take it easier, try to do things with the ball that only the professionals can do. “Hey, it’s the last game of the year. Why not?” Nobody wants to get hurt. At the end of last season I was presented a Netherlands (Holland?) National Team jersey – orange, my color – by a teammate/co-captain as a thank you for all the work I do for the team. Days after the final game I send an e-mail to everyone documenting events of the season and wishing them a happy holiday season and hoping to see them back out on the field in the spring. I put all my equipment up on the shelf and my focus changes.

Football.

Oooooh baby.

But, I-66, you’re always focused on football.

That’s true. But during the first few weeks of the NFL season I often have Sunday night soccer games and miss football time. Now? No more interruptions. But it’s not just NFL football that grabs my attention. I give you two words:

Turkey. Bowl.




For years the lot of us has played the Turkey Bowl – tackle football only, sometime around Thanksgiving. The weather’s been historically decent, we get regular seasonal chills and have rarely had to deal with the elements – save the one game where it snowed/wintry mixed all game (THAT was cool). Football games usually take place at I-66/The Captain High School. We slink onto the football field normally but have been made to utilize the practice field and the baseball field at separate times in the past. We’ve taken the pigskin on the road, playing on two occasions in Charlottesville: once on the field behind Lambuth in front of the old stands, and once at another field I can’t remember. Memories of past Turkey Bowls always are rehashed as the day gets closer on the calendar and the emails between participants flow. There’s the time that I told Deep Cover that if he threw in my area that I’d intercept him and he did, so I did. There’s the other time I called aloud that I’d intercept him… so I did (he’s not a great quarterback, but c’mon – fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…). There are countless deep balls, showboating, taunting, and some tackling in between. To prove we’re not discriminatory, women have played in the past – we are all inclusive.

So now it’s that time of year again.

Turkey Bowl fever.

I know I’ve got it.

Can't stop looking back

I've realized I have a problem recently. I miss crap from my past too damn much. Anyone else have this problem?

What brought this on? Well, as some of you may know, I-66, Deep Cover, and myself are leaving the Sports Townhouse for various reasons, and I'm going to miss the place. There have been good memories here, be it Redskins, parties, dogs, and other general fun. Not unusual, but I take it too extremes.

I've had this problem with everything. I was actually sad when I graduated high school, if you can believe that. I was sad when I graduated from college. I was sad as a kid any time we moved. I remember that when I heard we were leaving, I would go and spend time into every room of the house, as if there were some tucked away corners I had neglected.

I've felt this way about jobs, co-workers, cars, Little League and old ratty clothes. What the hell is the matter with me? Someone at least tell me this is normal. I feel kind of like a sissy.

Burned up

Wow. That was crap.

Defending MLS Champions DC United were ousted from the MLS Playoffs after a 4-0 stinker of a loss to Chicago Fire at RFK Stadium. I don’t even know where to begin as far as slinging around the blame, so instead let’s look ahead.

- Freddy Adu - You figure I had to start there. Shut your mouth and play. You’re not a superstar. You’re not even the best player on your own team. In the time you had on the field this season you didn’t do too terribly much. I’d like to see Freddy tryout for the World Cup side so he could maybe be humbled when Saint Bruce cuts him. There’s a reason he’s on the bench. This is a team, check your personal agenda at the door and play soccer.

- Defense – This needs to get better. I saw once on the MLS Power Rankings on espn.com someone write that Facundo Erpen “oozes class”. Um, I don’t think so. He oozes something, though.

- Christian Gomez – What happened to you in the playoffs? And who was that guy on the field wearing your jersey? Return to form next season, please.

- The Post has it that there will be some salary cap issues to get past this offseason. Jettisoning Freddy is the wrong move. It sends the message that the squeaky wheel gets the grease and in Freddy’s case I find that to be unacceptable.

Next season the DCU quest for a cup will begin again. In the meantime, how bout a stadium deal?