Fantasy Sports: For the Rabid Fan, or for Nerds?
Being that training camp is around the corner for football season, it's time for us to discuss the phenomena known as Fantasy Football. Yes, we could be discussing other things like Lance Armstrong going for a 7th Tour De France title. As much as I enjoy cycling, more people play Fantasy Football than watch the Tour. We'll discuss Armstrong when he's won again (and yes, it's going to happen.)
The first part of my thesis discusses the age old question that fantasy haters ask themselves, which is "What's the point?" Well, let's be honest here. Most sports fans are looking for statistics in the paper anyway, to see how well players, so why not have a good reason for it? The Redskins, perhaps the greatest creation known to man, often have their games at 1:00 in the afternoon. A football fan is going to watch the 4:00 and night games anyway, but by playing fantasy football, you actually care how people in these games do, especially if they're on your team or that of the person you're playing against. Fantasy Sports really make you appreciate the game more.
The first part of fantasy sport is having a great league/team name. For instance, this year, our league is called "I am Troy Aikman's Concussion" which both references a great movie, and makes fun of perhaps the most evil human being ever to grace the gridiron.
I am Troy Aikman's Concussion
The second, and by far the most important part of playing fantasy sports is the ability to talk trash to your opponents and friends, because really, there are no friends. This is for blood and bragging rights. Trash talk can follow one of two basic paths.
Type A is favored by the I-66 type of player, which is fact based, i.e. being able to remember your exact record against someone over the past five years, and pointing it out often, or mocking your upcoming match-ups, relative weakness of your running backs, etc.
Type B is distinctly non fact-based, often not even based in the sport you are currently competing in. Type B trash talk is an art form perfected by myself and dabbled in by other people. There are no limits to this trash talk. Regardless of whether or not these are your good friends, feel free to include threats of death, forcible sodomy, humiliation, etc.
To help you upon your journey, I've created this handy guide. Simply select one or more terms from each of the following basic categories, put it together in a sentence, and don't hold back. Most of these are pretty self explanatory, but The Converter may have some people wondering. It was something we came up with in college, usually a boast about how you could even make a goth/nihilist/atheist, etc. scream God's name, therefore converting them.
Group 1: Opening/Insult
Bitch, Bastard, Sissy, Ass-hat, Assclown, Ass Goblin, Bone Smuggler, Troy Aikman, Cowboy Fan, Racist Remarks, etc.
Group 2: Horrifying Act
Sodomy, Dismemberment, Public Impalement, Vasectomies, Kidney Removal, Death of Relative, Homeland Invasion (if opponent is foreign), Car Bombing, Mutilation, Crucifying.
Group 3: Penis Euphemism
Love Rocket, Screaming Pink Jesus, The Godfather, Soul Pole, The Captain (Was there any doubt this was getting in there), Mushroom Spitter, Jacks Beanstalk, Rocky Balboa, The Converter, Bologna Pony.*
Group 4: Seal the Deal
Death of Pet, Allusions of Homosexuality, Facial Urination, Impregnating Mother, Property Defacement, "God Hates You", Legitimacy of Birth, Poisoning, Foreclosure, Tea-Bagging.
*Thanks Robin
Here is an example. Let's assume I have recently defeated Deep Cover in a close game. My next day's message might go something like the following:
Hey Bitch! (Group 1) Did you happen to notice yesterday's score? Did it hurt as much as the time I cut off your balls and threw them in the blender? (Group 2) I hope so, because I hate you, with every bone in my tired, broken body. I'll be backing this victory up by slapping you across the face with all ten inches of Screaming Pink Jesus next time I see you. (Group 3) Know my name and grovel, you sissy assclown. (Group 1 again) Anger me further, and I'll teabag your mother and shoot your dog. (Group 4)
This would probably go on longer, but we'll cut it there. If any of the above offends you, well, you're just not cut out for real fantasy football. Otherwise, give it a shot, it's an outlet for repressed rage, if nothing else.
The first part of my thesis discusses the age old question that fantasy haters ask themselves, which is "What's the point?" Well, let's be honest here. Most sports fans are looking for statistics in the paper anyway, to see how well players, so why not have a good reason for it? The Redskins, perhaps the greatest creation known to man, often have their games at 1:00 in the afternoon. A football fan is going to watch the 4:00 and night games anyway, but by playing fantasy football, you actually care how people in these games do, especially if they're on your team or that of the person you're playing against. Fantasy Sports really make you appreciate the game more.
The first part of fantasy sport is having a great league/team name. For instance, this year, our league is called "I am Troy Aikman's Concussion" which both references a great movie, and makes fun of perhaps the most evil human being ever to grace the gridiron.
I am Troy Aikman's Concussion
The second, and by far the most important part of playing fantasy sports is the ability to talk trash to your opponents and friends, because really, there are no friends. This is for blood and bragging rights. Trash talk can follow one of two basic paths.
Type A is favored by the I-66 type of player, which is fact based, i.e. being able to remember your exact record against someone over the past five years, and pointing it out often, or mocking your upcoming match-ups, relative weakness of your running backs, etc.
Type B is distinctly non fact-based, often not even based in the sport you are currently competing in. Type B trash talk is an art form perfected by myself and dabbled in by other people. There are no limits to this trash talk. Regardless of whether or not these are your good friends, feel free to include threats of death, forcible sodomy, humiliation, etc.
To help you upon your journey, I've created this handy guide. Simply select one or more terms from each of the following basic categories, put it together in a sentence, and don't hold back. Most of these are pretty self explanatory, but The Converter may have some people wondering. It was something we came up with in college, usually a boast about how you could even make a goth/nihilist/atheist, etc. scream God's name, therefore converting them.
Group 1: Opening/Insult
Bitch, Bastard, Sissy, Ass-hat, Assclown, Ass Goblin, Bone Smuggler, Troy Aikman, Cowboy Fan, Racist Remarks, etc.
Group 2: Horrifying Act
Sodomy, Dismemberment, Public Impalement, Vasectomies, Kidney Removal, Death of Relative, Homeland Invasion (if opponent is foreign), Car Bombing, Mutilation, Crucifying.
Group 3: Penis Euphemism
Love Rocket, Screaming Pink Jesus, The Godfather, Soul Pole, The Captain (Was there any doubt this was getting in there), Mushroom Spitter, Jacks Beanstalk, Rocky Balboa, The Converter, Bologna Pony.*
Group 4: Seal the Deal
Death of Pet, Allusions of Homosexuality, Facial Urination, Impregnating Mother, Property Defacement, "God Hates You", Legitimacy of Birth, Poisoning, Foreclosure, Tea-Bagging.
*Thanks Robin
Here is an example. Let's assume I have recently defeated Deep Cover in a close game. My next day's message might go something like the following:
Hey Bitch! (Group 1) Did you happen to notice yesterday's score? Did it hurt as much as the time I cut off your balls and threw them in the blender? (Group 2) I hope so, because I hate you, with every bone in my tired, broken body. I'll be backing this victory up by slapping you across the face with all ten inches of Screaming Pink Jesus next time I see you. (Group 3) Know my name and grovel, you sissy assclown. (Group 1 again) Anger me further, and I'll teabag your mother and shoot your dog. (Group 4)
This would probably go on longer, but we'll cut it there. If any of the above offends you, well, you're just not cut out for real fantasy football. Otherwise, give it a shot, it's an outlet for repressed rage, if nothing else.
posted by The Captain at 7:27 PM
12 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bologna Pony...thanks for the shot ot, I got that from my friend H!
As for the Fantasy Sports, I think it makes watching the games more exciting. It is like any other betting, you want your team to win, but you also want to win- it gives YOU a stake in the game.
Exactly, someone out there understands.
Man, I just realized that I ripped through this post too fast. Tons of grammatical errors. I'm going to have to do some clean-up on this one.
I posted about joining a football fantasy team with my company...and needing help.
Thanks for your handy guide gentlemen. Haha.
It's an idea. Not sure how many people in our little world are into it, but if enough people reply that they'll play, then sure, we can start one up.
Haha I'm down. Then I can kick ass in TWO leagues!
Sara... you're on.
You got it. Yahoo leagues are saWEET.
Um.. live online draft.. after work hours cuz I can't exactly draft at the old cubicle...
Careful K-Ro, mentioning the Patriots will get I-66 in a frenzy. He severly dislikes them.
I on the other hand, accept the fact that Tom Brady is the best QB in the game right now, and the closest thing to Montana we have now. Honestly, the Brady-Manning argument is like Montana-Marino.
It's a good comparison. One was quiet, made few mistakes, and won a bunch of championships. The other rolled up tons of stats, but couldn't quite do it when it counted most.
muchas gracias señorita
I will not be roped into this just-to-piss-I-66-off argument... did you notice how I didn't comment?
and by the way, I wouldn't call Montana's championships "a bunch".. count 'em.
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