How to call Tech Support
Time for a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Captain. Here are some tips for those of you who aren't particularly tech-savvy, and have to call a Help Desk. As an IT Helpdesk worker for Customs, I can guarantee you these come straight from the source. Never do any of the following:
1. Say something like "Sorry, I don't know much about computers" and give a girly little giggle, as if acting cute makes it okay. Believe me, it's not okay, it's infuriating, and only the prospect of losing my job keeps me from hanging up. This one applies to women only, if a guy called up and did this, I'd probably take the risk of losing my job.
2. Never, EVER say "Hold on, I have (someone else/other users) here who (is/are) having (the same/other problems) that need to speak with you." This is a major FAUX PAS and will result in me first imagining what you look like, then what you would look like after I have embedded a Tack Hammer in your skull.
3. Don't call me with an attitude. Believe me, unless we're talking about something like Windows 95, where there were tons of programming errors, YOU are the one who fucked everything up. Admit this and sound appropriately ashamed when you call.
4. If you somehow got ahold of my personal cell phone number, and call me on it, while I'm at home, not at work, and I'm with my girlfriend...buddy, you're on The List. Woe is you.
5. If you are put on hold, it is for one of the following reasons, in most likely order. A) It is standard procedure, don't take it personally. B) We have to research something, and you continuing to talk is distracting. C) You've been a jerk and I'm punishing you with elevator music. D) I'm just not in the mood for conversation.
6. If you're on hold for awhile, it's probably legitimate. I didn't realize this till I started working this job. Be patient.
7. If you have a funny name, you're probably going to get made fun of. Not to your face, but while you're on hold and my co-workers are near by. If your name used to be something like James Smith, and you've converted to Buddhism, and decided to legally change your name to something like "Rhythmic pulse in Tune with Mother Earth" it's open season on you. Other things that will get you in trouble include women with last names like "Teitz," men with last names like "Glasscock," if your name is Mike Hunt, and things of that nature. Immature? Maybe a little, but we're holed up for eight hours a day in a room with no windows. It's not our fault your parents hate you. *All of the above have occurred at my work, names have been changed.
8. It is always funny to say things like "I fat-fingered my password" instead of "I'm locked out." Little changes brighten my day. If you have one of those loud, high, good-old-Texas boy voices, you're probably in good with me. To this day, my favorite moment at work was when an old Texas guy (I'd guess 50's) called in and laid his problem out. After attempting to communicate with him using technical-speak, he popped off with this beauty...(Imagine loud, booming Texas voice) "God Damn man, that made less sense than when my ex-wife used to try to talk to me, and she was Puerto Rican." Easily the highlight of this job so far.
9. Always say "thank you" you ungrateful SOB. Government workers are the worst sometimes. I've never dealt with a group of people who collectively thought they were more important than they actually are.
10. Hold Please.
1. Say something like "Sorry, I don't know much about computers" and give a girly little giggle, as if acting cute makes it okay. Believe me, it's not okay, it's infuriating, and only the prospect of losing my job keeps me from hanging up. This one applies to women only, if a guy called up and did this, I'd probably take the risk of losing my job.
2. Never, EVER say "Hold on, I have (someone else/other users) here who (is/are) having (the same/other problems) that need to speak with you." This is a major FAUX PAS and will result in me first imagining what you look like, then what you would look like after I have embedded a Tack Hammer in your skull.
3. Don't call me with an attitude. Believe me, unless we're talking about something like Windows 95, where there were tons of programming errors, YOU are the one who fucked everything up. Admit this and sound appropriately ashamed when you call.
4. If you somehow got ahold of my personal cell phone number, and call me on it, while I'm at home, not at work, and I'm with my girlfriend...buddy, you're on The List. Woe is you.
5. If you are put on hold, it is for one of the following reasons, in most likely order. A) It is standard procedure, don't take it personally. B) We have to research something, and you continuing to talk is distracting. C) You've been a jerk and I'm punishing you with elevator music. D) I'm just not in the mood for conversation.
6. If you're on hold for awhile, it's probably legitimate. I didn't realize this till I started working this job. Be patient.
7. If you have a funny name, you're probably going to get made fun of. Not to your face, but while you're on hold and my co-workers are near by. If your name used to be something like James Smith, and you've converted to Buddhism, and decided to legally change your name to something like "Rhythmic pulse in Tune with Mother Earth" it's open season on you. Other things that will get you in trouble include women with last names like "Teitz," men with last names like "Glasscock," if your name is Mike Hunt, and things of that nature. Immature? Maybe a little, but we're holed up for eight hours a day in a room with no windows. It's not our fault your parents hate you. *All of the above have occurred at my work, names have been changed.
8. It is always funny to say things like "I fat-fingered my password" instead of "I'm locked out." Little changes brighten my day. If you have one of those loud, high, good-old-Texas boy voices, you're probably in good with me. To this day, my favorite moment at work was when an old Texas guy (I'd guess 50's) called in and laid his problem out. After attempting to communicate with him using technical-speak, he popped off with this beauty...(Imagine loud, booming Texas voice) "God Damn man, that made less sense than when my ex-wife used to try to talk to me, and she was Puerto Rican." Easily the highlight of this job so far.
9. Always say "thank you" you ungrateful SOB. Government workers are the worst sometimes. I've never dealt with a group of people who collectively thought they were more important than they actually are.
10. Hold Please.
posted by The Captain at 2:47 PM
8 Comments:
I don't know if you've ever heard of the "Upright Citizens Brigade", but at one point they had a CD for sale that consisted of people dialing one of the members of UCB as a wrong number, thinking it was tech support. Needless to say, it is a series of phone calls where this guy just messes with folks and is appropriately titled "May I Help You, Dumbass?"
I think you in particular would enjoy it. It may still be on their website.
Oh, I could easily add to that list if I had some time, having done tech support myself...you have my sympathies.
Oh gawd..........this had me rolling. Out of 9 years in the military, I probably worked at a computer help desk for 5 of them. My last assignment in was the worst ever. I'd take damn near 80-150 calls in a day.......IF our networks were up and running. If there was some down time, well let's bump it up to 200 calls.
I can relate to every single one of those and then some.
200 or so calls a day to my desk... though not tech support. The Captain and I have so many horror stories to tell.
I seriously think it's one of the biggest headache jobs out there. We were so undermanned in my office that we didn't have time to take breaks or lunch. Non stop phone calls can tend to get on your nerves and make you crazy.
It's an awful job, which is why I give out Starbucks coupons to the guys who help me out.
For the record, Dell Computers has terrible tech support (any Dell employees reading this excluded of course)
Here it is:
May I Help You, Dumbass?
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