Friday, December 23, 2005

Night Before Christmas Review

Every year I write a column like this... now I bring this year's edition to you...

T'was 2 weeks before the playoffs
And all the Skins masses
Are talking of Christmas
And how we kicked Cowboy asses
8-6 is our record
And across the league there's fear
That a playoff berth for the Redskins
Soon would appear
So with no more delay
I'm bringing to you
A little on every team
Night Before Christmas Review...

Rex Grossman back for the playoffs?
Don't get it twisted
If BEARS go far in postseason
It's them the defense has lifted...
Whizzinator, boat party
VIKINGS are scandal weary
With Brad Johnson's success
Daunte Culpepper, Ewing Theory?...
Tons of interceptions and losses
PACKERS have just been a wreck
Brett Favre might I suggest
You start getting unemployment check...
Did Jeff Garcia's broken leg
Really put the LIONS season on shelf?
I think I've got the solution
Matt Millen, fire yourself...
Ben Roethlisberger
I don't know what the hell rhymes...
But it doesn't matter, STEELERS
If you're not there at playoff time...
From losers to winners in 3 years
Root for the BENGALS? You've gotta
But really I just needed
Something to rhyme with Houshmandzadeh....
Decent improvement, Romeo Crennel
You've got the BROWNS right on target
Well, except for Trent Dilfer
His house is on the market...
It must be an injury
Ray Lewis is as quiet as a mouse
Jamal Lewis, rest of RAVENS
Any dogs in the house?
Their season might've ended
With the Green Bay road win
Michael Vick and the FALCONS
Playoffs? Outside looking in...
Yeah, Katrina, I know
I've heard every excuse
But Jim Haslett's leash gets shorter
Every time the SAINTS lose...
Coach Gruden must be thankful
There's a defense to carry the BUCS
Because look at the quarterback
Chris Simms? Kinda sucks...
To go deep in the playoffs
PANTHERS turn to best back on roster
Stephen Davis? Done for season
You must mean DeShaun Foster...
Like Jeckyll and Hyde
Figuring out the JAGUARS is hard
Playoff lock, but who knew
It'd be on the arm of David Garrard...
TEXANS should get Reggie Bush
But it must raise Dom Capers's ire
That his inability to coach
Is the only reason he hasn't been fired...
Now and again you turn on TV
And see the TITANS getting killed
Jeff Fisher must've gotten the memo
It's okay sometimes to rebuild...
Peyton, Edge, Marvin
For the next few weeks you rest
To hold the Lombardi Trophy
COLTS expect, accept nothing less... (don't stop now, you're halfway home)
Two games up in the East
Manning to Burress, Manning to Shockey
But come mid-January, it's ok GIANTS fans
There's still Rangers and Islanders hockey...
No Owens, no Westbrook
EAGLES going in reverse?
Why hasn't anyone else mentioned
Donovan McNabb: Madden Curse...
It's a fluke the pansies cried
But twice the COWBOYS have been beaten
And now they all need breath mints
For all the shit they've eaten...
Send the corners, send the safties
REDSKINS D blitzes with malice
I only have 2 things to add
Fuck Dallas and Fuck Dallas...
Fiedler, Vinny, Bollinger
No JETS fan can be sober
And now Curtis Martin on IR
Wake me when it's over...
If they make it to Indy
PATRIOTS see their Super Bowl dreams die
I see no dynasty before me
Bruschi, Brady, please don't cry...
From Losman to Holcomb and back
BILLS move QBs like pawns
But all I hear from the fans
Are a bunch of snores and yawns...
When Nick Saban appeared
He brought all the whistles and bells
But who knew the DOLPHINS best QB
Was the unstoppable Sage Rosenfels...
The SEAHAWKS play in the NFC West
So yeah, they've won it again
And in case anyone's forgotten
Matt Hasselbeck wants the ball, and they're gonna win...
What's wrong Dennis Green?
CARDINALS appear to be running in place
Want to know who to blame?
The guy with the Kurt Warner Face...
Mike Martz is gone, Joe Vitt is here
RAMS offense has still been meager
But that's what happens when your QB
Is a backup Ivy Leaguer...
What else can I say 49ERS
Losing must be taking its toll
But Reggie Bush is on the line
9ers, Texans, Toilet Bowl...
Holmes out Johnson in
CHIEFS running game doesn't miss a beat
But their season went up in flames
When defense fell at Tiki Barber's feet...
CHARGERS had a slow start
Late surge not in time-r?
How long before fans and owner
Start looking at Schottenheimer?...
Collins to Moss will be so great
Return to RAIDERS days of yore
So in Christmas tradition you must return
Norv Turner to the Coach Store...
"No Mistake" they call BRONCOS QB
I wish they'd give me a break
It's only a matter of time
Before they get bitten by their own Snake...
So there you have it, 32 teams
Each with their own story
I also hope you're not surprised
When it's Colts and Panthers, Super Bowl 40

So now this all must end, the playoffs are coming into sight
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...


Blogger Lizzie said...

wow- you're quite the poet! seriously, that's awesome.

p.s. Go Giants!

Fri Dec 23, 06:02:00 PM  
Blogger The Captain said...

Wait wait...the Skins aren't in the Super Bowl in your version? Didn't the Panthers lay an egg last week?

Other than that, bravo I say.

Fri Dec 23, 09:29:00 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Dude... I made the prediction before week 1. I can't change it now with both teams alive still.

Fri Dec 23, 09:51:00 PM  

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